Why I believe in miracles

Warning - Very personal information about to be shared.

We have the treatment schedule for my mom and her battle with Leukemia.  She will be at Mayo for at least the next two months.  After that we probably have another six to none months of intense treatment including more chemo and a bone marrow transplant.  This is a long road and some pretty scary stuff.

However, I do believe in miracles and we need a miracle now.  The leukemia is not an easily cured variety.  I know relocating to Minnesota so she could get the best care was divine intervention.  I've had these experiences with the divine in my past.  And in those cases, I've been awed by the greatness of the experience and also learned some very important lessons.  I don't know what the lesson to be learned is now.  There are probably many lessons with the first being to appreciate the ones we love.  However, I do believe that I've been given the opportunity to share this experience with miracles with more than those immediately around me.  So I will continue to post progress on my mother's cure for leukemia. 

My personal miracle was the birth of my daughter.  And quite frankly, every child is a miracle.  In my case, I had a few lessons to learn and some divine interaction to truly classify it as a miracle. This is a long story that I will try to make short.  

I've always known things.  At ten I knew I was going to be successful.  At seventeen I knew I would have problems having children.  At least I think it was seventeen.  It feels like I've always known that. I even told my husband when we were dating that this would be an issue.  No, I didn't have any medical reason.  Just a knowing.  So, low and behold, when the time came to start trying nothing happened.  Nothing happened for a year so we talked to the doctor.  He ran some tests, nothing significant jumped out for either myself or husband.  But since I was "older" time was working against me and we moved into treatment with Clomid pills to create more chances.  

Seven months later (still a real long time) we finally got pregnant and I lost the baby at 10 weeks.  I was terribly saddened.  Women who go through this cycle are pulled through a wringer of emotions every single month.  You question why not me?  Why do others who do not want children get pregnant so easy? How is this fair?  

After the miscarriage, my insurance company suggested I move on to the next phase of treatment which is artificial insemination.  This includes much more intense treatment and monitoring.  I would go through weeks of having my blood taken and ovaries scanned what seemed like every other day along with daily injections of hormones and then magic time.  The doctor would decide that things looked good and we would do a trigger injection and get ready for the artificial insemination.  The day would go - Okay I have four eggs all ready to go, hubby had 80 million sperm good and strong, doctor mixes them all together and let's have a party! But, instead of the outcome of a pregnancy - there was nothing.  This was the ultimate let-down.  It was hard to comprehend how you could have everything perfect and still not get pregnant.  

The second artificial insemination failed as well.  I was beginning to feel pretty low. The emotional roller coaster was getting to me.  And on top of it, my ovaries were over-stimulated and we needed to sit a cycle out.  I'm not much for patience to begin with and by this time we were going on two years of "trying".  I was beginning to think about moving to In-Vitro Fertilization.

Then I had a dream.  In my dream I had three beautiful babies, triplets (not uncommon when you are taking fertility drugs).  I was in the hospital and named the first baby Samuel.  It was strange because we had never discussed the name Samuel.  I was even arguing with myself in the dream.  No, Hudson is the first baby's name.  We can name the second baby Samuel.  When I woke up the thought of the name of Samuel was so strong that I couldn't shake it.  I mentioned it to my support group - an online group of women going through the same trials.  And one of the women reminded me of the biblical story of Samuel.  In the bible Hannah could not get pregnant.  She prayed to God and God gave her a son who she named Samuel.  Samuel means "God heard" or "asked of God".  I was stunned by the dream and the meaning of the name that was never on any list.  I also experienced a great sense of calm.  

The next cycle came and we could start again.  The magic day for "the party" happened to be Easter Sunday.  So instead of going to church that day, we went to the clinic.  It just felt right.  

By this time my mother had moved in with us after her first experience with cancer.  She knew about our challenges, but, no one else in our community knew that we were desperately trying to have a child.  My mom and I would also go to the Church on the evenings they offered Reiki.  I thought that it would be good for her and I would take any help I could get to relieve stress.  This one Reiki evening a few weeks after Easter we arrived.  Our prayer warrior was there.  She was a very remarkable lady who prayed for those in need.  She also had a special connection to the divine. She could tell that my mom had gone through medical issues prior and knew the location of the issue.  This evening she told me..

Prayer Warrior: God will answer your prayers

Me: Yes, I know He will (thinking this is pretty non-descript)

Prayer Warrior: But, you have to give thanks to God and not to the doctors.  It is because of Him.

Me: (thinking - wow, now that is not so generic)

A few days later, blood tests confirmed that I was indeed pregnant.  This pregnancy, conceived on Easter, resulted in my daughter Alexandra.  What I learned is that I don't control everything.  That was a pretty big lesson for a type A.  I also experienced the divine first hand.  I know now that miracles do happen and that a miracle can happen now for my mom.  It has also left me with a sense of seeking the Divine.  It is an incredible feeling to really experience it first hand.  

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